I’ve Got A Secret

When I was 12, my best friend, Sandy, and I would get together everyday after school at her house, play Mah Jong (yes, Mah Jong), listen to Andy Williams’ recording of “Moon River” (over and over again), hold hands, look deeply into each other’s eyes, and share our deepest and most intimate secrets. She trusted me to wrap myself around her secrets, and I trusted her to wrap herself around mine. As we shared more and more, our bodies, like vines, intertwined. It was a deep, full bodied and unbreakable connection, head to toe. When things in our young lives were confusing, or threatening, or out of the realm of our understanding, we found comfort in this most sacred, secret intertwining of our Selves. It was our way to feel rooted, safe, and supported in the complex and unpredictable world of family, school, and life outside of our limited experience.

This weekend without any conscious forethought, I unearthed a secret (a BIG one) that I had long ago “forgotten.” This is what I unearthed. I share a secret with my son’s father that carries, for me, a tremendous amount of shame.

I thought we had “dealt with it” before we were married. We sat in a therapist’s office many weeks talking about it. We analyzed our families of origin. We made behavioral changes. I thought I had found peace and let it go. I thought it had no lingering effect on my feelings, my relationship with or my love for him.

Back then, I didn’t understand the insidious nature of the secrets of shame and their root system. So I merely looked at our secret (albeit, from every possible angle), maybe even pulled it out by its stem, but never really put my hands in the dirt, dug deep somatically, and exorcised it roots and all. I didn’t know that, like a weed, shame’s roots go deep and are far reaching. They wrap themselves around healthy roots and relentlessly and systematically squeeze the life force out of them.

When I unearthed my shameful secret this weekend, I thought it best to consult an expert. I sat down with my 12 year old (or, as she likes to call herself, “The World’s Most Super Duper Sharer and Keeper of Secrets Gardener”). What we decided to do is remove all the debris, weeds, and dead roots from our garden. We have committed to planting new growth and feeding, watering, nourishing and actively participating in keeping our garden healthy, abundant, beautiful and weed-free.

Therefore, in service to our garden, the first thing my 12 year old and I did was to sit down with trusted friends. We held their hands, looked deeply into their eyes, and shared our deepest and most shameful secret.

We could have sworn we heard Andy Williams in the background.


(Thank you Denise, Ashley, Susan, Judy, and Tracey)