If you don’t mind, whatever day it is when you read this blog, please wish my son an exciting, challenging, and evolutionary 18th year (it’s his birthday). Thank you!
Okay, so here is the latest incantation of my machinations.
I have spent my life being a Decider. As a young girl, I was put in the role by my parents, and I have been a proud card carrying member of the Super Duper Decider’s Club ever since. Over the course of my life, I have developed (probably like a lot of you) laser-like abilities to size up a situation, weigh the potential choices and their possible and/or probable results, and decide what needs to be done. I believe I even carry a certain amount of arrogance about the superhuman level of skill I have acquired. And, once the decision is made (usually in a single blink of an eye), it is full steam ahead…no course correction allowed.
Now, I have happily habitually followed my Decider my entire life without so much as a moment of reflection about it. It is a big part of who I am. So why, you might ask, would I think about it now? Because exactly 18 years ago to the day (and just about the hour and the minute), something entered my life that always stops me dead in my autopilot tracks.
Yes, that “something” would be my son.
I have been content to go merrily along in my life, not noticing how my decisions for or about others affects them… until I finally see it through my son. And this is exactly what bubbled up for me yesterday. I realized that I may have affected my son’s ownership of his uniqueness because I had, on some level, decided who he was going to be and refused to see anything else.
I sat down and really thought about this way of living my life.
And I don’t want to live here anymore.
I don’t want to live here anymore because it is constricting for me and for others whom I love. It closes doors that could lead me to a more accepting, and more exciting, and a more supery-dupery evolution of my thoughts, beliefs, and experiences.
So, I’m packing up and moving across town into Inquiry and Curiosity. They sound a lot more interesting to me at this point in my life. If I am curious and inside asking questions instead of producing answers, a lot more doors and windows are available to walk through, to invite others in through, to let in the sun and the breeze, and, yes, even the rain can enter and be woven into the fabric of my life.
Time to reserve my truck at U-Haul.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, I didn't decide to make this move in my habitual single-blink-of-an-eye way.
Eighteen blinks felt just about perfect.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A Course In Miracles
Those of you who are also on a spiritual path have probably heard of, if not read, a book entitled, “A Course in Miracles.” I bought the combined edition in December 2008. I read it, took notes, and meditated on what I read pretty much on a daily basis. It took me 18 months to get through the book. Upon completing it in April of this year, I promptly went back to page one and started all over again.
It is a dense book, not an easy read. The writing style and the concepts are extremely convoluted and sometimes difficult (at least for me) to understand on the second or even the third read.
So why did I keep going?
Because I am a dog on a meat wagon when I decide to do something?? Because I am stubbornly Irish?? Because I am a Taurus?? Because I have red curly hair?? Because I don’t know when to give up??
Yes.
But most of all it is because “A Course in Miracles” is the most jarringly honest and truly revolutionary book I have ever had the presence of mind to struggle through, AND because literally every time (and I am NOT exaggerating [for once!]) I struggle with a conflict and ache to blame others, attack, strike back, the LAST thing I want or think I am capable of doing is attaining any sliver of enlightenment. However, it has never failed, that in the middle of conflict, when I open up to my daily read in this stinkin’ book… the passage is exactly applicable to what I am going through at the moment.
And I am most often not happy with the awakening. I will admit that I have had a variety of reactions to those days (like today) when I receive these messages. In the past, I have closed the book with a loud and extremely meaningful slam, or shoved it across the table, or yelled F&*%K YOU (out loud) at it, or stuffed it in a drawer (sometimes all of them one after the other).
Today I lobbed it across the room.
Yesterday, if you remember, I wrote quite comfortably and self-righteously about the lack of trust I and others were feeling in our Mastery leadership. I felt totally justified in my claims that our leaders started the whole conflict. They were untrustworthy first.
Today I opened up to my daily read. This is part of the passage I read:
No one gladly obeys a guide he does not trust, but this does not mean that the guide is untrustworthy. In this case, it always means that the
follower is. Believing that he (the follower) can betray, he believes that everything can betray him (pg 135).
So now this bunch of paper and ink is telling me that it is me who is untrustworthy? It’s telling me that I can’t even project onto other people without the understanding that I am really projecting something I carry within my self?
According to the “Oracle” abilities of this stinkin’ book, I need to look at my beliefs about trust/betrayal within myself. I have to dig deeper than to just make a blanket statement about the attributes of others. It wants me to make a practice of first checking in with where, when, how and why those attributes live within myself.
That point of self-view just about takes all the fun out of projecting anything negative unto other people.
And maybe that’s the point.
It is a dense book, not an easy read. The writing style and the concepts are extremely convoluted and sometimes difficult (at least for me) to understand on the second or even the third read.
So why did I keep going?
Because I am a dog on a meat wagon when I decide to do something?? Because I am stubbornly Irish?? Because I am a Taurus?? Because I have red curly hair?? Because I don’t know when to give up??
Yes.
But most of all it is because “A Course in Miracles” is the most jarringly honest and truly revolutionary book I have ever had the presence of mind to struggle through, AND because literally every time (and I am NOT exaggerating [for once!]) I struggle with a conflict and ache to blame others, attack, strike back, the LAST thing I want or think I am capable of doing is attaining any sliver of enlightenment. However, it has never failed, that in the middle of conflict, when I open up to my daily read in this stinkin’ book… the passage is exactly applicable to what I am going through at the moment.
And I am most often not happy with the awakening. I will admit that I have had a variety of reactions to those days (like today) when I receive these messages. In the past, I have closed the book with a loud and extremely meaningful slam, or shoved it across the table, or yelled F&*%K YOU (out loud) at it, or stuffed it in a drawer (sometimes all of them one after the other).
Today I lobbed it across the room.
Yesterday, if you remember, I wrote quite comfortably and self-righteously about the lack of trust I and others were feeling in our Mastery leadership. I felt totally justified in my claims that our leaders started the whole conflict. They were untrustworthy first.
Today I opened up to my daily read. This is part of the passage I read:
No one gladly obeys a guide he does not trust, but this does not mean that the guide is untrustworthy. In this case, it always means that the
follower is. Believing that he (the follower) can betray, he believes that everything can betray him (pg 135).
So now this bunch of paper and ink is telling me that it is me who is untrustworthy? It’s telling me that I can’t even project onto other people without the understanding that I am really projecting something I carry within my self?
According to the “Oracle” abilities of this stinkin’ book, I need to look at my beliefs about trust/betrayal within myself. I have to dig deeper than to just make a blanket statement about the attributes of others. It wants me to make a practice of first checking in with where, when, how and why those attributes live within myself.
That point of self-view just about takes all the fun out of projecting anything negative unto other people.
And maybe that’s the point.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Conflict…Don’t Leave Home Without It
I have been in conflict about joining the Integration component of the Mastery program I have been involved with since last July.
Without going into too much of a story, let’s just say that I am experiencing a deep disappointment in some aspects of the leadership of the program. Myself, and others, have expressed some concerns, but the leadership has not addressed them. In fact, the concerns have been compared to childish false perceptions on our parts.
I grew up in a family, as I mentioned in a blogpost last winter, in which I was the “Blurter Truth Teller.” When the family tension of “things unspoken” got to be too much, I would break the tension by blurting it out. My parents would respond by telling me that no such thing was happening. It was a functional dysfunction system. The tension was gone (until the next time), my family system was in stasis (for the time being), and I was left wondering if I made it all up (again).
I am feeling a bit back in the family saddle again with various things that have gone on and responses to my and some of my sister’s attempts to enlist the leadership to have a dialogue with us about our concerns.
Now in the past, I would have responded to the situation in one of two ways. I would have promptly responded with a F*&CK YOU kind of interaction and cut the cord (immediately jettisoning myself into a unplanned free fall), or I would have gotten extremely pissed off and gone into the Integration with the intention of doing my very best to make the leadership miserable (my train would have left the station).
I am proud to say that neither of these responses have had any kind of a pull for me.
That’s not to say that it has been a breeze deciding whether or not I am going to continue in the program.
Yesterday morning after sleeping on it, I woke up knowing what I needed to do.
Let me just preface the great reveal of my big girl decision by saying that at the end of Mastery in April I was totally committed to following the leadership off any cliff they led me to…simply on their assurance that it was in my best interests.
This is where you think I should jump? Fine. See you at the bottom!
Over the past few weeks, my need to blindly accept their reality has diminished because of less than generative interactions with them. The leaders have, in my mind, temporarily (I hope) stopped walking the talk. I thought to myself, “Ahhh. This needs to happen. I am revisiting adolescence in my middle age. I am recognizing that my leaders are human. They have blind spots, fears, and make mistakes.” I initially thought I could carry deep disappointment in them, feelings of lack regarding reciprocity and integrity, AND still be able to instill them with the same level of trust that I had in the past.
But, I was trying to convince myself. What I really felt was lack of safety around entering the work with the same level of trust in them. However, I wanted to continue in the work.
So, my decision shifted from following my teachers to being connected with my sisters.
That felt right for about 16 minutes.
After feeling into living in the program with sister-to-sister connection as my motivation; I realized that as much as I love each and every one of them, I couldn’t continue in the program if connection was my only motivation. There was not enough juice in that desire to keep me invested.
I was stuck.
Then I recalled that last Sunday, I was thinking about embracing conflict as a way to move deeper into myself. Instead of letting the drama of conflict enter my body and contract me into old ways of thinking (my own personal version of craziness that occurs in any number of clever incarnations) how can I really USE conflict to expand my thinking and evolve my Self into owning who I really am?
Finally Monday night, after some additional disappointing information from one of my sisters, AND an intention to use conflict to deepen my relationship with myself and expand my relationship with others, I decided to sleep on it. When I woke up on Tuesday, my decision was crystal clear, AND it surprised the hell out of me.
I am going to continue in Integration BECAUSE of the conflicts and the disappointments. It is an opportunity to walk my own talk and truly embody conflict, using it, not as a reason to aggressively push back or project blame, but as a way to deepen into myself.
Am I a wee bit scared? Yes.
How likely is it that I will be uncomfortable navigating this? Very.
Will a radical transformation of my Self really happen in the process? Absolutely.
Why? Because that’s the choice I made, and I’m stickin’ to it.
Without going into too much of a story, let’s just say that I am experiencing a deep disappointment in some aspects of the leadership of the program. Myself, and others, have expressed some concerns, but the leadership has not addressed them. In fact, the concerns have been compared to childish false perceptions on our parts.
I grew up in a family, as I mentioned in a blogpost last winter, in which I was the “Blurter Truth Teller.” When the family tension of “things unspoken” got to be too much, I would break the tension by blurting it out. My parents would respond by telling me that no such thing was happening. It was a functional dysfunction system. The tension was gone (until the next time), my family system was in stasis (for the time being), and I was left wondering if I made it all up (again).
I am feeling a bit back in the family saddle again with various things that have gone on and responses to my and some of my sister’s attempts to enlist the leadership to have a dialogue with us about our concerns.
Now in the past, I would have responded to the situation in one of two ways. I would have promptly responded with a F*&CK YOU kind of interaction and cut the cord (immediately jettisoning myself into a unplanned free fall), or I would have gotten extremely pissed off and gone into the Integration with the intention of doing my very best to make the leadership miserable (my train would have left the station).
I am proud to say that neither of these responses have had any kind of a pull for me.
That’s not to say that it has been a breeze deciding whether or not I am going to continue in the program.
Yesterday morning after sleeping on it, I woke up knowing what I needed to do.
Let me just preface the great reveal of my big girl decision by saying that at the end of Mastery in April I was totally committed to following the leadership off any cliff they led me to…simply on their assurance that it was in my best interests.
This is where you think I should jump? Fine. See you at the bottom!
Over the past few weeks, my need to blindly accept their reality has diminished because of less than generative interactions with them. The leaders have, in my mind, temporarily (I hope) stopped walking the talk. I thought to myself, “Ahhh. This needs to happen. I am revisiting adolescence in my middle age. I am recognizing that my leaders are human. They have blind spots, fears, and make mistakes.” I initially thought I could carry deep disappointment in them, feelings of lack regarding reciprocity and integrity, AND still be able to instill them with the same level of trust that I had in the past.
But, I was trying to convince myself. What I really felt was lack of safety around entering the work with the same level of trust in them. However, I wanted to continue in the work.
So, my decision shifted from following my teachers to being connected with my sisters.
That felt right for about 16 minutes.
After feeling into living in the program with sister-to-sister connection as my motivation; I realized that as much as I love each and every one of them, I couldn’t continue in the program if connection was my only motivation. There was not enough juice in that desire to keep me invested.
I was stuck.
Then I recalled that last Sunday, I was thinking about embracing conflict as a way to move deeper into myself. Instead of letting the drama of conflict enter my body and contract me into old ways of thinking (my own personal version of craziness that occurs in any number of clever incarnations) how can I really USE conflict to expand my thinking and evolve my Self into owning who I really am?
Finally Monday night, after some additional disappointing information from one of my sisters, AND an intention to use conflict to deepen my relationship with myself and expand my relationship with others, I decided to sleep on it. When I woke up on Tuesday, my decision was crystal clear, AND it surprised the hell out of me.
I am going to continue in Integration BECAUSE of the conflicts and the disappointments. It is an opportunity to walk my own talk and truly embody conflict, using it, not as a reason to aggressively push back or project blame, but as a way to deepen into myself.
Am I a wee bit scared? Yes.
How likely is it that I will be uncomfortable navigating this? Very.
Will a radical transformation of my Self really happen in the process? Absolutely.
Why? Because that’s the choice I made, and I’m stickin’ to it.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Salsa Dancing With J.C.
If you have been reading this blog, you know that my 8-year-old self and I have been taking Salsa lessons for a few months now. Last Saturday in class, my female Instructor (who was playing the man’s part), kept telling me as I performed turns, “Look for me. Look for me.” Let’s face it, Salsa done well is sensuous and sexy (please don’t tell my 8-year-old; she doesn’t realize that yet). However, what I didn’t realize until Saturday was that my resistance in “looking for” my Instructor partner when I turned had absolutely nothing to do with Salsa and everything to do with eye contact. Even with a woman Instructor, and a woman I know quite well; it made me very uncomfortable.
It was just too personal, too revealing, too intimate.
Looking openly and deeply into someone’s eyes and allowing them to look back is a three-part process for me. I honestly don‘t know if I am more afraid of (1) revealing too much of myself through my eyes, (2) seeing the reaction about me in their eyes when I do reveal myself, or (3) taking in what they are telling me about themselves (or maybe even all of the above).
In meditation yesterday, (yes, it is baaaaack!) I was speaking aloud which I often do. I was letting the universe, God, whoever was listening; know that I am ready to step out. I am ready to release conflict from my life and turn everything over to a force and field much greater than I. I am willing to see my life from a completely new place within myself…a more forgiving, more generous, more divine Self. I am ready to release the concept of Magic and embrace the concept of Miracles.
At that point, my Muse and my Metaphor appeared at the end of the chaise and, from betwixt and between them, the Magician stepped out.
Uh-oh.
If you remember from back in March, I did kinda sorta meet the Magician. He appeared to me twice. The first time He said, “Possibilities,” and the second time He said “Miraculous.” I had no friggin’ idea what He was talking about but for some reason I felt the need (and still do) to capitalize any noun or pronoun that refers to Him. Most importantly, He scared the stuffing out of me with His presence, the reddish plumed three-cornered hat that was pulled over His eyes, and His beautiful, intricate, bluer than purple embroidered coat. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in the room when He appeared was the fact that His coat is the same color as my son’s eyes (oh yeah…and the fact that I was frozen with fear).
I announce that I am “over” Magic. He appears. This can’t be good.
He stood there for a minute or two until I noticed a light emanating from the part of His face not covered by His hat and more light in the area down His torso where His coat separated a bit. He stood silently showing me these tiny radiant bits of Him, and I began to relax because I figured it meant He didn’t have a plan to annihilate me. I looked down for a second, and when I looked back up, His hat was gone. Then His coat just disappeared.
The light that emanated from His every cell did not blind me (although I kinda thought it would). It filled the room with warmth, trust and truth.
I looked in His eyes. He looked in mine. I decided to go for it.
(1) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because, as soon as we made eye contact, I started to cry.
(2) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because, as soon as we made eye contact, I felt lifted from my tiny anguished perspective into a more expansive place.
(3) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because He has been saving my life for the past year.
Honest to God the Father; I knew It was J.C. the Son.
And as I looked into His eyes, and He looked into mine, His eyes became a kaleidoscope of colors and shades of color. They morphed from bluer than purple, to green, to brown, to hazel, to black and back again. I saw all of humanity in His eyes. Yes, He told me without speaking. He is in everyone and everyone is in Him.
Okay, now please don’t go all whack-a-doodle on me. There is no organized religious affiliation or connection to dogma here. I grew up Catholic, yes, but I have not practiced Catholicism in decades.
Instead, what I have been trying to do is live a more elevated, loving, joyful, expanded life by discovering and using my unique MEB gifts and talents in service to the evolution of all life on the planet. YES, my own life included.
And I believe that J.C. was the prototype, human like the rest of us, but more elevated, loving, joyful and expanded. And did He use His unique gifts and talents in service to all life on the planet?? Do we really have to go there??
My opening and realization in Salsa dancing paved the way for me to release the idea of magic from my life. Magic implies that there is a special someone who possesses the knowledge and skills to make seemingly impossible things happen. It is entertaining for a minute or two, but we all know it is a sleight of hand, a trick, an illusion. And magicians only share the secrets of those illusions with those officially sanctioned members of the Magician’s Club.
I am not willing to believe that a special person or group of special persons has an exclusive contract with the powers of alchemy. Miracles are abundant if we care to really look into the eyes of others, give of our Selves, and receive their gift of Self to us. Your miracle becomes mine, and mine becomes yours.
I may not have the skills to make a rabbit appear out of a hat, but I have a phrase to remember each time I have the opportunity to partner with another human being, "Look for Me."
I will.
It was just too personal, too revealing, too intimate.
Looking openly and deeply into someone’s eyes and allowing them to look back is a three-part process for me. I honestly don‘t know if I am more afraid of (1) revealing too much of myself through my eyes, (2) seeing the reaction about me in their eyes when I do reveal myself, or (3) taking in what they are telling me about themselves (or maybe even all of the above).
In meditation yesterday, (yes, it is baaaaack!) I was speaking aloud which I often do. I was letting the universe, God, whoever was listening; know that I am ready to step out. I am ready to release conflict from my life and turn everything over to a force and field much greater than I. I am willing to see my life from a completely new place within myself…a more forgiving, more generous, more divine Self. I am ready to release the concept of Magic and embrace the concept of Miracles.
At that point, my Muse and my Metaphor appeared at the end of the chaise and, from betwixt and between them, the Magician stepped out.
Uh-oh.
If you remember from back in March, I did kinda sorta meet the Magician. He appeared to me twice. The first time He said, “Possibilities,” and the second time He said “Miraculous.” I had no friggin’ idea what He was talking about but for some reason I felt the need (and still do) to capitalize any noun or pronoun that refers to Him. Most importantly, He scared the stuffing out of me with His presence, the reddish plumed three-cornered hat that was pulled over His eyes, and His beautiful, intricate, bluer than purple embroidered coat. Honestly, the only thing that kept me in the room when He appeared was the fact that His coat is the same color as my son’s eyes (oh yeah…and the fact that I was frozen with fear).
I announce that I am “over” Magic. He appears. This can’t be good.
He stood there for a minute or two until I noticed a light emanating from the part of His face not covered by His hat and more light in the area down His torso where His coat separated a bit. He stood silently showing me these tiny radiant bits of Him, and I began to relax because I figured it meant He didn’t have a plan to annihilate me. I looked down for a second, and when I looked back up, His hat was gone. Then His coat just disappeared.
The light that emanated from His every cell did not blind me (although I kinda thought it would). It filled the room with warmth, trust and truth.
I looked in His eyes. He looked in mine. I decided to go for it.
(1) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because, as soon as we made eye contact, I started to cry.
(2) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because, as soon as we made eye contact, I felt lifted from my tiny anguished perspective into a more expansive place.
(3) I decided to reveal myself and let our eyes take each other in because He has been saving my life for the past year.
Honest to God the Father; I knew It was J.C. the Son.
And as I looked into His eyes, and He looked into mine, His eyes became a kaleidoscope of colors and shades of color. They morphed from bluer than purple, to green, to brown, to hazel, to black and back again. I saw all of humanity in His eyes. Yes, He told me without speaking. He is in everyone and everyone is in Him.
Okay, now please don’t go all whack-a-doodle on me. There is no organized religious affiliation or connection to dogma here. I grew up Catholic, yes, but I have not practiced Catholicism in decades.
Instead, what I have been trying to do is live a more elevated, loving, joyful, expanded life by discovering and using my unique MEB gifts and talents in service to the evolution of all life on the planet. YES, my own life included.
And I believe that J.C. was the prototype, human like the rest of us, but more elevated, loving, joyful and expanded. And did He use His unique gifts and talents in service to all life on the planet?? Do we really have to go there??
My opening and realization in Salsa dancing paved the way for me to release the idea of magic from my life. Magic implies that there is a special someone who possesses the knowledge and skills to make seemingly impossible things happen. It is entertaining for a minute or two, but we all know it is a sleight of hand, a trick, an illusion. And magicians only share the secrets of those illusions with those officially sanctioned members of the Magician’s Club.
I am not willing to believe that a special person or group of special persons has an exclusive contract with the powers of alchemy. Miracles are abundant if we care to really look into the eyes of others, give of our Selves, and receive their gift of Self to us. Your miracle becomes mine, and mine becomes yours.
I may not have the skills to make a rabbit appear out of a hat, but I have a phrase to remember each time I have the opportunity to partner with another human being, "Look for Me."
I will.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Fears And Fires In Los Angeles
When my son was in the second grade, he came home very upset from a sleepover at a friend’s house. His friend, he told me, had a stuffed teddy bear holding a sign. The bear was perched on the bureau in his bedroom, and the sign had the child’s name stitched into it. My son was upset because he told me that his friend shared that when he was born, the bear was the first thing he saw. In this way, he instantly knew that his parents loved him very much and were greeting him with his first toy and display of affection. My son wanted to know why his dad and I did not give him a similar gift to greet his arrival into our lives.
At the time, I didn’t think much of his friend's parents (sorry, that was then), so what I said to my son was this.
“This is what happened. When you and _______ (insert friend’s name here) were standing in front of God waiting to be sent to Earth, God asked you a question. God asked, ‘Which would you prefer??? This stuffed bear with your name on it…or… good parents?? Bear?? Good parents?? (as I dramatically showed the weighing of the decision up and down with my hands)’ Well, ___________ (insert friend’s name here) picked the bear. You picked good parents.”
I thought it was funny, clever, and true. Needless to say, with the lead-up to and onset of adolescence, I have often questioned that kind of certainty about my parenting skills.
Every time after that (and yes, even now), when my son complains about a decision or a rule or anything that his dad and I decide, and he responds with the likes of “that’s not fair” or something similar; I remind him that he picked us instead of the bear.
I say all this as a prelude to the difficulties my son and I have had over the past several days.
Let’s just say that adolescence for kids nowadays, I believe, is extremely scary. My son is a very sensitive soul. He is, at times, terrified of what’s out there in the world. And I, to make matters worse, am terrified for him. He has, until now, dealt with his fear by withdrawing and dis-investing himself from the situation. I deal with fear by jumping headlong into it and trying to figure it out (like a dog on a meat wagon as my father used to say about me). Therefore, when we are called on to make decisions outside of our comfort zones, he goes into extreme withdrawl and I go into extreme immersion. In these situations, it is as if one of us carries a lighted match and in the dry heat of California, the result can only be wildfire.
My son’s father and I planned for him to spend 22 days in an Outward Bound program in August. First and most importantly, our son is royally pissed because he feels we are taking a big chunk of his summer to do something that was not his idea. And, honestly, we are. We are trying to push him outside of his physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual comfort zones. We think he could use a little help with that right now. We also think he will have the time of his life.
However, not only is our son furious, I think he is just a bit terrified of what this trip is going to require of him. And, now you know what happens when his match meets my dry woods. Two nights ago, we set off quite an inferno and then fed it with more fear until it felt like the Angeles Crest Forest was completely ablaze.
Our fears were out of control.
And that’s why we chose each other way back when my son’s little soul entered my body.
I am not Donna Reed, and he is not Opie. Yes, there are times when we feel that way, but I think what we are learning is that we chose each other because we are the perfect mother/son combination. Each wildfire can offer us the opportunity to move further into our fears or each one can offer us the opportunity to deepen our capacities for love, tolerance, courage, and being in relationship so that we can move to the next level of our spiritual evolution.
Neither of us necessarily got the parent/child that we may sometimes wish for in some kind of an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl kind of world, but we definitely got the one we asked for in the world we are living in now.
Do I occasionally sit and long for parental/child interactions right out of Mother Knows Best?? Yes.
Would I trade-in my son or the love I feel for him? Never.
Would I trade what he teaches me for a different experience with another child? Absolutely not.
Does he want a stuffed teddy bear with his name stitched across the sign it holds in its little paws?
I hope not.
And I honestly don’t think so.
At the time, I didn’t think much of his friend's parents (sorry, that was then), so what I said to my son was this.
“This is what happened. When you and _______ (insert friend’s name here) were standing in front of God waiting to be sent to Earth, God asked you a question. God asked, ‘Which would you prefer??? This stuffed bear with your name on it…or… good parents?? Bear?? Good parents?? (as I dramatically showed the weighing of the decision up and down with my hands)’ Well, ___________ (insert friend’s name here) picked the bear. You picked good parents.”
I thought it was funny, clever, and true. Needless to say, with the lead-up to and onset of adolescence, I have often questioned that kind of certainty about my parenting skills.
Every time after that (and yes, even now), when my son complains about a decision or a rule or anything that his dad and I decide, and he responds with the likes of “that’s not fair” or something similar; I remind him that he picked us instead of the bear.
I say all this as a prelude to the difficulties my son and I have had over the past several days.
Let’s just say that adolescence for kids nowadays, I believe, is extremely scary. My son is a very sensitive soul. He is, at times, terrified of what’s out there in the world. And I, to make matters worse, am terrified for him. He has, until now, dealt with his fear by withdrawing and dis-investing himself from the situation. I deal with fear by jumping headlong into it and trying to figure it out (like a dog on a meat wagon as my father used to say about me). Therefore, when we are called on to make decisions outside of our comfort zones, he goes into extreme withdrawl and I go into extreme immersion. In these situations, it is as if one of us carries a lighted match and in the dry heat of California, the result can only be wildfire.
My son’s father and I planned for him to spend 22 days in an Outward Bound program in August. First and most importantly, our son is royally pissed because he feels we are taking a big chunk of his summer to do something that was not his idea. And, honestly, we are. We are trying to push him outside of his physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual comfort zones. We think he could use a little help with that right now. We also think he will have the time of his life.
However, not only is our son furious, I think he is just a bit terrified of what this trip is going to require of him. And, now you know what happens when his match meets my dry woods. Two nights ago, we set off quite an inferno and then fed it with more fear until it felt like the Angeles Crest Forest was completely ablaze.
Our fears were out of control.
And that’s why we chose each other way back when my son’s little soul entered my body.
I am not Donna Reed, and he is not Opie. Yes, there are times when we feel that way, but I think what we are learning is that we chose each other because we are the perfect mother/son combination. Each wildfire can offer us the opportunity to move further into our fears or each one can offer us the opportunity to deepen our capacities for love, tolerance, courage, and being in relationship so that we can move to the next level of our spiritual evolution.
Neither of us necessarily got the parent/child that we may sometimes wish for in some kind of an easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl kind of world, but we definitely got the one we asked for in the world we are living in now.
Do I occasionally sit and long for parental/child interactions right out of Mother Knows Best?? Yes.
Would I trade-in my son or the love I feel for him? Never.
Would I trade what he teaches me for a different experience with another child? Absolutely not.
Does he want a stuffed teddy bear with his name stitched across the sign it holds in its little paws?
I hope not.
And I honestly don’t think so.
Monday, June 14, 2010
All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go
My blog post is all ready to be written. My margins are set, my favorite font has been chosen, my usual font size typed in.
And, again, I have absolutely nothing to say.
My blog post is all is all dressed up, but it doesn’t feel like it is going anywhere.
My laser focus in writing has been eluding me for a while (since Mastery ended to be exact). What was it about that work (that stirred up so much in me) that I can’t seem to generate on my own??
In answering that question, this is what comes to mind: structure, connection, and commitment to myself and others. So this prompts another question. How can principles like structure, connection, and commitment to myself and others, which sound so utterly boring out of the context of the work, have generated so much freedom, creativity and joy in me?
And where, how, and when can I get it again? I miss it.
I think I have two options: I can wait for something outside of myself to light me up, fill me with passion, float my boat as my first acting teacher used to say; or, I can do it (somehow) within myself.
I do recognize that I have lost consistency in my own practices and structures. When my son moved home from his dad’s house, the morning structures I had set up for myself went out the window. They were replaced by things like, wake up my son, wake him up again, wake him up a third time, make his breakfast, make sure we get out the door in time to get him to school…you know the drill. Then, with all the excitement of getting ready for the trip, i gave up the few strands of my daily practices that I had left. Just being in Paris, I felt like I was meditating…but I wasn’t.
So this is what I now know. I don’t know if I can create that level of juice that the Mastery program generated in me. However, I do know that in order to see if I can generate it myself, I need to re-commit to my daily practices…just to put myself back on course again and see where my North Star takes me. (And I hope to God it entails going back to Paris!)
So that’s my structure, my connection with myself, and my commitment to you and me.
Pass the juice please. I am all dressed up and ready to go.
And, again, I have absolutely nothing to say.
My blog post is all is all dressed up, but it doesn’t feel like it is going anywhere.
My laser focus in writing has been eluding me for a while (since Mastery ended to be exact). What was it about that work (that stirred up so much in me) that I can’t seem to generate on my own??
In answering that question, this is what comes to mind: structure, connection, and commitment to myself and others. So this prompts another question. How can principles like structure, connection, and commitment to myself and others, which sound so utterly boring out of the context of the work, have generated so much freedom, creativity and joy in me?
And where, how, and when can I get it again? I miss it.
I think I have two options: I can wait for something outside of myself to light me up, fill me with passion, float my boat as my first acting teacher used to say; or, I can do it (somehow) within myself.
I do recognize that I have lost consistency in my own practices and structures. When my son moved home from his dad’s house, the morning structures I had set up for myself went out the window. They were replaced by things like, wake up my son, wake him up again, wake him up a third time, make his breakfast, make sure we get out the door in time to get him to school…you know the drill. Then, with all the excitement of getting ready for the trip, i gave up the few strands of my daily practices that I had left. Just being in Paris, I felt like I was meditating…but I wasn’t.
So this is what I now know. I don’t know if I can create that level of juice that the Mastery program generated in me. However, I do know that in order to see if I can generate it myself, I need to re-commit to my daily practices…just to put myself back on course again and see where my North Star takes me. (And I hope to God it entails going back to Paris!)
So that’s my structure, my connection with myself, and my commitment to you and me.
Pass the juice please. I am all dressed up and ready to go.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Living in the AND
Hi! Did you miss me??
Things happened very quickly after the move out of the house.
I left for Paris.
Now it is very interesting to me that I even went. Yes, the trip had been planned for a year, and believe it or not, I had been gifted the air travel by my fresh(wo)man year college roommate. She is a big tennis fan and wanted to go to the French Open. I had been pasting pictures of Paris on my yearly vision board for the past three years. She bought a plane ticket and surprised me with one. How’s that for generosity?! How's that for the universe responding to an intention?!
I had no desire to go to the Open, so my former roommate invited a friend to accompany her, and I invited one of my Mastery sisters to play in Paris with me. Eight days, four women, one two bedroom apartment (with two baths!) on the Rive Gauche almost directly across from the Louvre…it was Heaven.
What I found interesting was that a year ago, had I not done the work in Mastery, I would have bailed on the trip. Or I would have gone begrudgingly, guiltily obsessing on the clear discrepancies in my life and the life of my son’s dad. I would (I am sure) have made certain (on some semi-conscious level) that I had a crappy time.
I went and had the time of my life.
Now, that’s not to say that I forgot about the struggles my son’s dad was having. I had several moments of sadness, resistance, and guilt…but I was able to deal with them and live in the AND.
Previous to the work, my mantra would have probably gone like this..."My family has lost its home. My son’s father has nowhere to live. My family has lost its home. My son’s father has nowhere to live. I am having my picture taken on Point Zero in front of Notre Dame while someone I care for very deeply is trying to re-build a life from point zero in California. I am having my picture taken...."
AND
Instead my mantra was "Butter. I intend to ingest all the creaminess, all the luxury, all the sweetness Paris has to offer with the grateful recognition that I am blessed to be in Paris and having the vacation of a lifetime. Butter. I intend..."
It is a new, unfamiliar place for me to try to navigate my life. From my guilt and sadness, I had moments of resistance and harshness with my traveling companions (for which I promptly apologized), AND I had moments of bliss, excitement, awe and reverence for the beauty and radiance of Paris and its inhabitants.
I cried on the way back to the airport because the world opened itself to me. AND I dove in.
WOW.
Things happened very quickly after the move out of the house.
I left for Paris.
Now it is very interesting to me that I even went. Yes, the trip had been planned for a year, and believe it or not, I had been gifted the air travel by my fresh(wo)man year college roommate. She is a big tennis fan and wanted to go to the French Open. I had been pasting pictures of Paris on my yearly vision board for the past three years. She bought a plane ticket and surprised me with one. How’s that for generosity?! How's that for the universe responding to an intention?!
I had no desire to go to the Open, so my former roommate invited a friend to accompany her, and I invited one of my Mastery sisters to play in Paris with me. Eight days, four women, one two bedroom apartment (with two baths!) on the Rive Gauche almost directly across from the Louvre…it was Heaven.
What I found interesting was that a year ago, had I not done the work in Mastery, I would have bailed on the trip. Or I would have gone begrudgingly, guiltily obsessing on the clear discrepancies in my life and the life of my son’s dad. I would (I am sure) have made certain (on some semi-conscious level) that I had a crappy time.
I went and had the time of my life.
Now, that’s not to say that I forgot about the struggles my son’s dad was having. I had several moments of sadness, resistance, and guilt…but I was able to deal with them and live in the AND.
Previous to the work, my mantra would have probably gone like this..."My family has lost its home. My son’s father has nowhere to live. My family has lost its home. My son’s father has nowhere to live. I am having my picture taken on Point Zero in front of Notre Dame while someone I care for very deeply is trying to re-build a life from point zero in California. I am having my picture taken...."
AND
Instead my mantra was "Butter. I intend to ingest all the creaminess, all the luxury, all the sweetness Paris has to offer with the grateful recognition that I am blessed to be in Paris and having the vacation of a lifetime. Butter. I intend..."
It is a new, unfamiliar place for me to try to navigate my life. From my guilt and sadness, I had moments of resistance and harshness with my traveling companions (for which I promptly apologized), AND I had moments of bliss, excitement, awe and reverence for the beauty and radiance of Paris and its inhabitants.
I cried on the way back to the airport because the world opened itself to me. AND I dove in.
WOW.
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