Something I have been feeling in my body for some time came into my consciousness; I no longer feel I can trust the established, traditional structures of the world. I also realized that one of the big reasons for my train making start-up noises a few days ago is because I have been (without telling myself) slowly and methodically deconstructing the cultural, gender-based, Irish Catholic structures I was born into.
Let me just say that I love the idea of structure. It makes me feel safe. Within the confines of structures at work, with my friends, in society, I can be extremely spontaneous (and, I must admit, pretty funny). I have been a member of society long enough to know my status in the pack (and how to work it) in almost any situation and to know the rules of decorum so I can choose to break them and make them into something else (usually with hilarious results). Just let me get my bearings and size it all up first. Then I am more than willing to pull out my side-splitting acrobatics and entertain you for as long as you want me to. All that being said, I did make a commitment to evolve myself, so I was cautiously okay with letting some of my old structures go (at my own turtle pace).
Then, I began an Improvisation class, and it all went to hell in a high speed DSL hand basket. While the class has been a warp speed stripper of all things structured, it has also revealed to me how unwaveringly devoted to and invested I have been in the illusion of structure.
Now, improvisation does have structure, but a lot of it comes from within. In my head I get it, but my body hasn't integrated it yet. Once I am up there in front of everyone, it’s as if I had materialized fully costumed but totally unrehearsed on the set of Cirque de Soleil, accidentally stepped backward onto the low end of their adult-sized see-saw, suddenly flipped end-over-end through space, and aerodynamically delivered to my partner (who must be in the exact right spot at the exact right time in the exact right position to save me from probable injury and possible death).
Fun for someone who thrives on structure and control? No.
Death-defying insanity? Yes.
But so many totally unexpected, humorous, touching, and gut-busting funny moments have come out of this class by following improv's commandments: say “Yes” to whatever comes my way (without argument), trust that who I am right now is enough to move the scene forward, trust in others to be there for me, generate moment-by-moment real and connected reciprocal relationships without agenda, make it all about the other person, and be available and responsible to be there to save every other person on stage with me.
It’s Cirque de Soleil without the nets.
And, I've discovered, life lived from the inside out.
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