Sometimes I Long for the Good Old Days…..

when I would be just fine, thank you very much, with placing the responsibility for my life outside of myself.

I awoke early this morning as I normally do to read and journal. I stated out loud to myself and the universe that I intended and desired for 2010 to be a year of such transformation for myself that I will be unrecognizable by this time next year. I asked for lessons to keep me on track with my larger intention of illuminating the illusion of irreconcilable separateness and creating deep care, connection and generosity of spirit.

I immediately became terrified as the deepness of this desire resonated within me, and as all that I must release in order to do this vibrated through my body. Not ten minutes later, I had an incident with my son’s father with whom I have been estranged for the past almost two years.

We had a huge argument. I tried to stay in my intention, but the pull of old roles that we had firmly fixed in place during our 25 years together came raging back at both of us like a bull attacking a red-suited matador.

We both have fixed ideas about who the other is and, at least in the heatedness of argument, can’t perceive anything else. These are roles, perceptions, ideas about each other that we chose to create in relationship over many years. Our decidedly un-enlightened behavior can’t be traced to an outside source, can’t be credited to society’s rules as our parents may have done; we can’t even blame the position of the stars when we met ( cause we thought they were in perfect alignment).

So after it was over, and I am feeling sad and pissed off and distraught beyond belief, I go back to my intention of this morning to “be unrecognizable by this time next year by causing deep care, connection, and generosity of spirit.” Yes, Virginia, the universe does have a sense of humor.

I do know that I have made tremendous changes in the last 9 months. I feel in my body that I (at least) try to come from a larger perspective than myself, from a power center that is true to me, but also gentle to others. I consciously perceive that I am no longer a soldier on the battlefield of relationship fighting to stay alive, but I am the general on the hill who is safe and objective and viewing the scene from a larger perspective. It is often successful for me, and I know that I am navigating the world in a new and different way.

Then I have a conversation with my son’s father, and it all gets shot to hell.

So this is how I am deciding to make meaning of today. I asked for transformation. I asked for the illusions to be illuminated. The universe gave it to me in my next co-created breath. Why? To give me the opportunity to put into practice what I am trying to do. I am clearly beyond illuminating illusions with the cashier at the grocery store. I am in the big leagues now. I am choosing to look at this as evidence that I have upped the stakes in my life.

This is it for me. This is my year. Now I need to step up to the plate.