Yesterday, after I posted my blog, I did some errands. When I got home, I re-read the post as I often do to try to see what I am saying from a different set of eyes, a new perspective.
As I was moving through it, I came across the sentence, “ I was an outline of my body, a dark solid line, but there was nothing colored inside the lines. I was not ‘in’ my body. “
Wait a minute. Didn’t I write that about my mom a few days ago? I went back to check and sure enough, there it was.
“I never really knew what colors she had inside.”
Way back 35 years ago, that wedding dream was showing me how I was living my life. My mother even tried to rouse me out of it, but I couldn’t (or wouldn't) wake up.
My father was made of dynamic and vibrant colors, strong, saturated, and chaotic: a Kandinsky. For better or for worse, he made himself known: live and in living color. My mother was more of a sepia reproduction... her colors muted into a narrow range of browns (maybe because of her choices as a woman at that time?) Now I feel that her colors were lackluster and restricted because, for whatever reason, she had to leave her life and let it go on without her.
What today’s seedling revelation is telling me is that my lineage is a huge part of who I am, and what I am passing down to my son. It is vital to make myself as conscious as possible of what is leading me so that I can accept it, and embrace it, and transmute it, and transcend it, and, finally, thank it and release it. It also suggests to me that the reason I have almost no memory of most of my life from childhood to a young womanhood is because I was mostly not IN my life.
Most importantly, it tells me that it is time to fully commit to being IN it: my life and the part I was born to play in the evolution of the planet.
One of my teachers, Katherine, put the effort required to be IN it like this;
“Come hell or high water, I am walking to China, and I will not stop.”
“Even if my ass falls off.”
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