I used to hate to shop for birthdays, anniversaries, weddings. I was always so concerned that I would buy the “wrong” thing. My shopping technique was to try to put my gift recipient’s eyes in my head so I could find their perfect gift. It often didn’t work.
Similiarly, I have lived a life by borrowing the eyes of others to look at myself; constantly on the ready to morph into the persona required to fit seamlessly into their current fashion statement. In any given fashion show, I can try on and stomp the runway as zany co-worker, serious professional, wounded partner, supportive friend and back again in a Bryant Park minute.
But I am finding it exhausting to constantly look outside for fashion cues so I can don the right skin, the appropriate adornments, and the matching (or deliberately mis-matched “popping”) shoes for each role I am given. I am, honest to God, getting a little tired of being a model, a human mannequin, an empty outline waiting to make a unique and colorful statement via someone else's point of view.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy playing different roles in my life; I do, but somewhere in me, I knew the difference was in what motivated my desire to take these roles. It was all a little unclear until I went shopping for my former college roommate’s Christmas gift. In the season of miracles, I discovered the secret of successful gift-buying and began to change my life.
I bought a gift for my former roommate because I loved it so much I wanted to buy it for myself.
I became my own fashionista.
I realized it is all about letting go of seeing myself through someone else’s eyes and having the faith and courage to trust and take responsibility for what is alive in me. Then I can inhabit my clothes and own a life whose style is dictated by my inner Versace.
It all fits. Ready to wear. No alterations required. All colorfully and uniquely mine.
Oh, and now when I buy that gift that I love, I buy one for myself, too.
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