My Mastery sisters and I have begun the Integration program and as a part of that, our first assignment was to generate an intention for the next 7 weeks (the duration of the Integration) that will cause a breakthrough in our lives. I have two.
My intention is to welcome, witness, honor and embrace conflict as an opportunity to deepen into myself and into my relationships with others as well as an opportunity to expand and extend into the safety, joy, and miraculous possibilities of the Greater Field of Life.
My second intention is to actively and vulnerably give myself to others and to fully and freely receive what is given back.
If you have been following this blog, you may recognize the influence of my Magician (a.k.a. J.C.) in these intentions.
Since He visited me a little over a week ago, I have been thinking about what He said to me when He was still in His Magician disguise (“Possibilities” and “Miraculous”) and what He taught me last Sunday about giving and receiving through the eyes.
I grew up unhappy with the eyes I had been given, so about 10 years ago, I decided to get deep blue colored contact lenses called Pacific Blues. I felt my eyes didn’t “pop” enough (especially for auditions), so I put colored irises over my own as a way to get noticed. I have to say that every time I wore them I felt like a phony because on some level, I knew that I was using deep blue fake irises, not to draw attention to my eyes, but, ultimately, to disguise what I was sending out through my own god-given yeux.
I cared more about how I presented myself on the outside than how I presenced myself from within.
I began to wonder, if the eyes are the windows to the soul how was my soul being perceived through Pacific Blues? Was my soul prettier? Was my soul oceanic? Was my soul even in the visual building??
I eventually stopped wearing the Blues, but I had to find other ways to avoid letting top secret or top vulnerable information escape via my eyes. I began to notice that I was okay with looking at people when I was giving information (because I could always go “glazed over” on them if I felt too exposed), but I kinda sorta stopped looking at them when they responded.
I basically blinked…a lot.
I first became aware of this tendency when I was cast opposite Daniel Day-Lewis in a movie entitled “There Will Be Blood.” I ended up on the cutting room floor, but I had a full day of shooting one-on-one with Daniel. (AMAZING but that’s a whole other blogpost!) The Casting Director called me when I returned to Los Angeles and said that the Director of Photography and the Director of the movie absolutely loved what I did. Then she asked me, “You blinked a lot when Daniel’s character was talking to you. Was that a character choice?” “Yes!” I enthusiastically replied. “You actors!” she said, “Always coming up with something!”
When I got off the phone I said to myself, “I blinked…a lot??”
I had had no clue.
This "blinking" awareness has been tapping on my shoulder in a more and more insistent way since the Mastery program, but I just wasn’t ready to reveal or receive intimacy through my peepers. Then, J.C. showed up (unannounced). Since that Sunday with Him, I have been practicing looking at people when I talk to them. Giving me and receiving them.
I had an audition yesterday. I went Pacific Blue-less as I have for some time, but, this time, I went with my own cornflower blue eyes firmly affixed in my head. I entered the waiting room, sat and looked at the young Asian man next to me. I said, “Hello." He looked at me, and I awkwardly looked into his eyes. Waiting. And when he responded, I let my eyes take him in. That was it. A small interaction with a correspondingly small connection, but it was a beginning. I went to the restroom, and when I returned and sat down again, the young man turned to me and said, “You have a real gentleness about you.”
I had him from “Hello”??
I almost fell off my chair. Me? Gentle? Gentle is not a word that easily comes to mind for me or anyone I know who refers to me. Strong, tough, leader, “out there”, sassy, funny…those are words I hear often. But “gentle?” I can honestly say I have NEVER heard that word as a descriptor of yours truly.
I liked it, so I tried to recall the last time I felt gentle. I could recall feeling "gentle" up until around 9 years of age, before I was recruited as the family Decider and General.
Suddenly I understood. Through the work in Mastery, I have been slowly making connections with my variously aged inner blue-eyed girls, and they are starting to get out there and reveal themselves to the world. My authentic desire to connect with them has given them permission to come out and play...one "Hello" at a time.
Navigating the world without Pacific Blues, or Atlantic Azures, or any other coverup, just me and my blue-eyed girls (and SPF 55).
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