I Hear You Knockin’

I have had three things going on for the past few days that are driving me insane. First off, I am (once again) feeling a pervasive discombobulation and irritation and don’t know why. I hate the generality of the feeling ‘cause in the absence of a specific target, I find it just a wee bit difficult to control my absolute 100% impatience and complete intolerance for anyone who just happens to live on the planet right now. Secondly, the lyrics “ I hear you knockin’, but you can’t come in” have been rolling through my brain continuously for three days, and they refuse leave and go bother someone else.

Thirdly, most importantly, and most annoyingly is that I set an intention to use conflict (my internal kind as well as the relational kind) as a way to deepen into my Self and others and as an opportunity to expand and extend into the Greater Field of Life.

That third thing is the one that kills me because all I want to do right now is contract into my complete distain for everyone (including myself), slap people up side the head and tell them to get the hell out of my way, and eat warm brownies topped with coffee ice cream.

I don’t feel like deepening, or expanding, or extending or evolving the planet. I’ve paid my dues. I was involved in the Viet Nam protests, the Woman’s Movement, and the Beatles Invasion. I’m tired. Can’t I be done now? Let the “young” people do it. I just had my 59th birthday, and there’s a part of me that just wants to retire…from my job, from myself, from all of it.

I’ve done enough changing for this lifetime, thank you very much. I’m tired of “pushing into my freakin’ growing edge,” “deepening into the stinkin’ work,” and “doing my part in the evolution of this whacked out planet.”

Seriously, will anything I do really make any kind of impact? What kind of difference, in the larger scheme of things, is it really going to make if I drop my 2010 version of acid and drop out?

But I have this insistent monkey on my back called Evolution and it’s not going away.

Damn it.

Two weeks ago when I was all fired up about Integration, I told one of my Mastery sisters (but I didn’t tell you cause I didn’t want to be held to it) that with my new intention (see above), I planned for the biggest breakthrough in my life within the next 7 weeks. She asked me how I knew I would have a tremendous breakthrough, and I casually replied, “ Because that is what I decided was going to happen.”

When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?

Cause let me tell you if you haven’t already experienced it, anytime you put that kind of declaration out there for all the universe to hear and agree to, put your seatbelt on, Honey, you’re gonna need it.

I could only avoid those “knocking” lyrics for so long. Last time I opened my door to a gentle but insistent knocking, my Muse, my Metaphor and my Magician (aka J.C.) entered my life and that turned out pretty good, so about halfway through this blogpost, I decided to look out the window and see who or what was out there knocking.

What I saw out my window’s mind’s eye were men and women, hundreds or maybe thousands of them, all dressed in garments circa 1200 B.C. I immediately understood why they were there.

As you may have read, I visited Paris in May. I saw all the sites including Notre Dame Cathedral. The construction of the Cathedral began somewhere around 1163 and was completed approximately 100 years later. While the Cathedral is undeniably amazing and beautiful, when visiting it, I was humbled by the palpable energy emanating from every rock, every piece of stained glass, and every beautifully crafted section of wood in the Cathedral.

The average life span in those days, I’m guessing, was somewhere around 30. The men and women dedicated to erecting this structure worked knowing that they (and their own children and probably their grandchildren and possibly their great grandchildren) would never see its completion. And yet, they found it within themselves to create for their great great grandchildren and beyond. And in doing so for the future, their very DNA is palpably embedded in their creation.

Now that’s an evolutionary perspective I can begin to understand.

I realized how much I owe them and others like them who came before and took their place in the evolution of beauty, creativity, love, and life on this planet.

If I intend the biggest transformation of my life, I need to answer the door. I need to invite them in and ask them how they found the faith to construct something they and their children and their grandchildren and their great grandchildren would never be able to enjoy. How they found the faith to build for future generations. How they found the faith to contribute to the evolution of their families, their country, and the world without the slightest chance of basking in their hard earned results.

I can use a lot more help generating that within myself.

And, knowing these people I've invited in are French, I can use a lot more wine, too.