Peanut Butter and Jelly

I’m kinda concerned.

I haven’t felt like writing, and I don’t know why. My heart has not been in it.

I have been going through all the possible reasons in my head, but nothing is resonating with me.

Honest to God…no lie…it just occurred to me while writing this…maybe that’ s the problem…I’m back in my head.

I have written three blogs since my last one, but I didn’t post them. They weren’t fun or exciting to write. They sounded robotic (like this one?). I couldn’t express what I was trying to say in a wavy, curvy, flow-y kind of way. I was pushing ideas that weren’t ready.

There! See what I'm doing? I’m in my head again. Trying to think up an answer instead of feel into one.

On Tuesday night I had the pleasure (and the challenge) of interpreting for Marianne Williamson. I don’t think I have mentioned this before, but I am fluent in American Sign Language. Anywho… it was a pleasure because MAW (as deaf people refer to her) is amazing. It was a challenge because the job was two hours long (7:30-9:30 pm) after a long day at my “real” job, and I was interpreting solo. In the interpreting world, interpreting anything over an hour, especially in a situation like this, requires a partner because it is extremely taxing mentally and physically. ASL and English, linguistically, are as different as Japanese and English, night and day, and peanut butter and jelly. It’s not the hands so much that fatigue; it’s the brain.

About an hour and forty minutes into the gig, my brain started to give out. MAW was in a question and answer mode with the audience, and although the questions were heartfelt and MAW’s responses were brilliant….let’s just say people love to tell their story, every single stinkin’ irrelevant detail (starting from the day they were born). I was doing the best I could at that point, but in my head, I was screaming “Shut up! Shut up!” over and over again.

I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just wanted them to stop so I could rest.

I bring this up because I realize my brain has been very active lately. It is as if it is making up for lost time. You see, being in the Mastery program, I started to be able to consistently listen to my inner voice and think with my body. The program is on a hiatus until June and my brainiac egoic voice has come back with a vengeance. It’ s screaming “Shut up! Shut up!” over and over again trying to quiet my body and still that small voice of my inner knowing that became quite prominent for me over the course of the last nine months.

No wonder I’m exhausted. No wonder I’m not digging deep. No wonder I feel out of the flow I found. My ego is trying to reinstate my running monologue, my to-do list, and the General who is more interested in getting things done than in being who I am while doing them.

This is who I used to be, and quite contentedly thank you very much.

It’s just not where I live anymore. However, this experience has shown me a crucial contrast that is as different as ASL and English, night and day, and peanut butter and jelly.

This experience is telling me to feel the difference between living in who I was and living in who I learned to be.

This experience is telling me that it's time, for once and for all, to make a choice.