All Hell Breaking Loose

Do you think your ideas about the desires you have for your life are grandiose? If so, are you able to shut down that kind of thinking? I think my ideas are grandiose but, honestly, I can’t stop them (and don’t know if I want to).

I believe I am here for a bigger calling than I am currently pursuing. No, I don’t have a clear idea what that calling is. No, I don’t know what it will mean for my life. Yes, I know that if I step into it, it’s almost guaranteed that, for a while, it’s gonna feel like all hell breaking loose. I can accept that.

Because I realize that, maybe, just maybe, all hell breaking loose is exactly what has to happen to birth a life of Heaven on Earth.

It is the ferocity that will be required of me to fully commit to that first step into a bigger life that feels like hell.

Because of what it may mean.

Please hear me out on this one. I am processing as I go.

I am willing (I think) to let go of the small insulated idea I now call my life. I am willing to see where my calling takes me. What I am not willing to do is follow a calling that could potentially hurt, harm or endanger my son in any way.

But how can I be sure that my life isn’t causing him harm or hurt now?

If I really let go of my life to see what else is there for me, I won’t have control of what is going to come in to push me or lead me or cajole me into a bigger space, a larger life context, a potentially impactful place to cause the uplift of the consciousness of humanity.

But do I have control now? No. I just pretend I do by keeping my life small.

And isn’t living a bigger life why I started this blog? Just read the column over there to the right. I wrote that intention. I’m pretty sure I was awake when I did it.

I SAY I want to uplift the consciousness of humanity but am I really willing to let go of my life (which at the moment includes my son) and actually DO it?????

Or am I just a big fat blowhard?

Or maybe I should wait until he graduates from high school? (that gives me another year to put off making a decision)

I have made some big changes in my life in the past nine months as has each and every one of the women who are with me in this work. The results of clearing out my own obstacles to uplift my little life have been joyful. Yes. But I experienced great pain to get to the other side. It was all worth it, and I think, in the end, my work benefited the lives of those around me too.

However, if I am totally committed to accepting a larger (ok a HUGE) life mantel, what kind (and how much) of my own still lying-inside-waiting-to-attack dormant crap is left for me to deal with? How much more am I going to upset my own apple cart?

But, more importantly for me right now, how much of my son’s apple cart will I be upsetting?

Am I being grandiose again by thinking I have that much influence on my son’s life?

Or am I just using my son as an excuse to step away from a life that could really mean something…to me.

The only thing I know is that I can and I need to choose how I want to spend the rest of my life. And as Marianne Williamson said to her audience last week, “It’s nice to see some young people here who are curious about the idea of choosing a conscious life. However, most of us are older and, frankly, we don’t have another 5 years to screw up anymore. It’s now or never.”

Crapsticks.