Patience Is A (New) Virtue

Something is gently transitioning in my mind and my body, but I have no idea what it is.

I tell myself to be patient.

What is difficult and different for me is that I feel empty. I am usually so fully jazzed up by emotion and ideas and annoyance and impatience. This is just weird.

I have no idea how to handle this new internal nothingness.

So, I tell myself to be patient.

Over the past ten (wow) days since I posted, I have had my share of wack-a-doodle ideas and clever titles pop into my head, but my physically manifested and insistent NEED to explain it to you and myself has left the building.

And yes, there have been conflicts and challenges since I last posted but they haven’t been sticking to me and churning me up into a human coastal eddy. I have experienced turbulence in the waves of my inner ocean, but they have quickly subsided like those of a motor boat crossing my path as I sail on, through the experience but not overturned by it, to my North Star guided destination.

Not sure I like it very much.

I miss my redheaded Irished-induced fire-y passion energized by making sure I am noticed in the room, or being on a mission to annihilate someone, or challenging and overpowering any Goliath brave (or uninformed) enough to get in my way.

I worry that I have nothing left to get excited about. I worry that I won’t feel my friendly neighborhood fire any more. I worry that I will never create another new thought, or fun title, or internally woven metaphor to describe the experience of being me. I worry that I was once a ripe, supple, sweet, abundant, and juicy fruit that has now withered on the tree.

I worry that I not only have nothing; I worry that I am nothing. I worry that everything up until now has been a big stinkin’ circus act replete with costumes, buffoonery, sleight of hand and pink cotton candy. I worry that this work I have been doing has stripped me of my colorful, multi-striped polyester clown costume, rainbow wig, and red nose only to reveal a colorless empty outline of a person.

So I remind myself to be patient.

Patience and I have not had the pleasure of each other’s company. I never made room for it. But I am committing to a more patient patience and allowing the winds of my passion to come from a new and undiscovered territory within my oceanic self.

I’m doing it the only way I know how…by guess and by God.

And by reminding myself to be patient.