I have been in conflict about joining the Integration component of the Mastery program I have been involved with since last July.
Without going into too much of a story, let’s just say that I am experiencing a deep disappointment in some aspects of the leadership of the program. Myself, and others, have expressed some concerns, but the leadership has not addressed them. In fact, the concerns have been compared to childish false perceptions on our parts.
I grew up in a family, as I mentioned in a blogpost last winter, in which I was the “Blurter Truth Teller.” When the family tension of “things unspoken” got to be too much, I would break the tension by blurting it out. My parents would respond by telling me that no such thing was happening. It was a functional dysfunction system. The tension was gone (until the next time), my family system was in stasis (for the time being), and I was left wondering if I made it all up (again).
I am feeling a bit back in the family saddle again with various things that have gone on and responses to my and some of my sister’s attempts to enlist the leadership to have a dialogue with us about our concerns.
Now in the past, I would have responded to the situation in one of two ways. I would have promptly responded with a F*&CK YOU kind of interaction and cut the cord (immediately jettisoning myself into a unplanned free fall), or I would have gotten extremely pissed off and gone into the Integration with the intention of doing my very best to make the leadership miserable (my train would have left the station).
I am proud to say that neither of these responses have had any kind of a pull for me.
That’s not to say that it has been a breeze deciding whether or not I am going to continue in the program.
Yesterday morning after sleeping on it, I woke up knowing what I needed to do.
Let me just preface the great reveal of my big girl decision by saying that at the end of Mastery in April I was totally committed to following the leadership off any cliff they led me to…simply on their assurance that it was in my best interests.
This is where you think I should jump? Fine. See you at the bottom!
Over the past few weeks, my need to blindly accept their reality has diminished because of less than generative interactions with them. The leaders have, in my mind, temporarily (I hope) stopped walking the talk. I thought to myself, “Ahhh. This needs to happen. I am revisiting adolescence in my middle age. I am recognizing that my leaders are human. They have blind spots, fears, and make mistakes.” I initially thought I could carry deep disappointment in them, feelings of lack regarding reciprocity and integrity, AND still be able to instill them with the same level of trust that I had in the past.
But, I was trying to convince myself. What I really felt was lack of safety around entering the work with the same level of trust in them. However, I wanted to continue in the work.
So, my decision shifted from following my teachers to being connected with my sisters.
That felt right for about 16 minutes.
After feeling into living in the program with sister-to-sister connection as my motivation; I realized that as much as I love each and every one of them, I couldn’t continue in the program if connection was my only motivation. There was not enough juice in that desire to keep me invested.
I was stuck.
Then I recalled that last Sunday, I was thinking about embracing conflict as a way to move deeper into myself. Instead of letting the drama of conflict enter my body and contract me into old ways of thinking (my own personal version of craziness that occurs in any number of clever incarnations) how can I really USE conflict to expand my thinking and evolve my Self into owning who I really am?
Finally Monday night, after some additional disappointing information from one of my sisters, AND an intention to use conflict to deepen my relationship with myself and expand my relationship with others, I decided to sleep on it. When I woke up on Tuesday, my decision was crystal clear, AND it surprised the hell out of me.
I am going to continue in Integration BECAUSE of the conflicts and the disappointments. It is an opportunity to walk my own talk and truly embody conflict, using it, not as a reason to aggressively push back or project blame, but as a way to deepen into myself.
Am I a wee bit scared? Yes.
How likely is it that I will be uncomfortable navigating this? Very.
Will a radical transformation of my Self really happen in the process? Absolutely.
Why? Because that’s the choice I made, and I’m stickin’ to it.
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