I Need A Hug

I need a hug. A head hug. I love them. Those hugs we parents give and receive when our little one is up in our arms. Child gently places head on shoulder. Parent gently rests head on child’s. To me, there is nothing more sweet and unique to our species as the act of cradling our child between the divine consciousness of the human mind and the love of an open heart.

I found that my son’s head, from the day he was born until that sad day when I received my last beloved head hug, always fit perfectly in the crook of my shoulder. One day old to maybe 7 years old…same shoulder, different child sized head…perfect fit. Amazing. How do we parents and caregivers do that?

I discovered that if you look closely enough when moms and dads hoist up their young children who are nearing the end of head hug days, you can see the parental shoulder instinctively morf itself into the exact right head hug size to perfectly cradle their child’s head. Yesterday, I actually witnessed a normal mom-sized shoulder transform into a beautifully grossly distorted child- sized pillow.

Intrigued, I began researching the subject. Pediatric psychiatrists have recently found that, from as early as infancy, children’s cravings for head hugs are nutritionally and psychologically based. Nutritionally, children require them to infuse the body with the minimum daily love immunization levels that are critical to maintaining an open heart while living amongst the mental chatter of the world.

Psychologically, these psychiatrists have painstakingly gathered data resulting in statistically significant findings confirming what we parents already instinctively know. As essential as head hugs are to the child’s emotional, physical and, perhaps, spiritual growing bodies, maintaining the developmentally appropriate nutritional and psychological levels as the child gets older becomes harder and harder to sustain.

Nutritional deficiencies typically begin to surface between the ages of 7 and 9 primarily because the latency-aged child’s newly found independence rejects the head hug. They announce that they are “big kids” now. They are too busy being in the world enjoying new freedoms from their parental units to realize the importance of maintaining the nutritional balance between the mileage they rack up in the world and those crucial, replenishing, parental head hug tune-ups.

Pre-teens substitute their peers for nutrient rich parental contact. It is similar to the dreaded pre-teen affliction "Sweet and Sour Syndrome" in which our pre-teens consider gummy worms a perfectly reasonable and nutritionally balanced substitute for a home cooked meal. Observational data collected in the wilds of the pre-teen world have documented two gender specific and stereotypical pre-teen head hug substitute behaviors: the pre-teen girl’s “hang onto friend’s shoulders while jumping and screaming hug” and the genetically pre-disposed pre-teen boy’s “casual drape of the arm over friend’s shoulder and lean on him for support hug.” They are shoulder-specific and age appropriate but ineffective substitutes for the real thing.

Interestingly, while teenagers desperately recognize the nutritional need for head hugs, they often don’t know how to return to the source once the head hug dynamic has been broken. Instead, they perpetuate the historically inherited teenage defense mechanism, “It’s just not cool.” Teenagers attempt to obtain their nutritional and psychological needs from their boyfriends and girlfriends. Just watch your teenager sitting on the couch with their date. Head hug much?

However, (and this will delight those of us in parental roles) extensive research has also documented that if parents stay open to these necessary developmental meanderings from the true source, and remain open to unexpected opportunities, the beloved head hug can intermittently return (especially in times of stress). I can attest from personal experience when, a few months ago, my 17 year old son’s father and I accompanied him to an oral surgeon's office to have all four of his wisdom teeth removed. He was nervously perched between his dad and me on a small couch when it happened. He found it within himself to defy the developmental norms of adolescence. He head hugged his dad. Right there in the waiting room. In front of everyone. As if he had been doing it all along. As if it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do.

To us, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Lastly, the final maturationally-enhanced phase, the Reverse Head Hug, typically begins to manifest in the late teen years. Recent studies have shown that this final stage of development may include a new dynamic. The nutrient rich love continues to flow from parent to child, but current studies have noted that, in this stage, the child gives love nutrients back to the parent as well. The hypothesis being that this full circle of reciprocity is a significant marker for our young adult children in preparing to step into parenthood themselves.

I was the recipient of my first Reverse Head Hug last night. I had been visiting with my son at his father’s home and needed to leave. As I stood on my tiptoes to hug him goodbye, I gently rested my head on his shoulder. He responded by gently resting his head on mine. We stood there for a few minutes sandwiched, suspended, and expanded between a reciprocal flow of open hearted love and the embodiment of the human mind.

I burst into tears.

My head was a perfect fit.