Yesterday, a woman friend of mine, whom I care for very much, posed a question to me and a group of other mothers who have sons. Based on her observations of what our young men are currently going through, she commented that our boys are experiencing difficulties at a frequency that is "statistically significant." She thought we might want to come up with a theory as to why that was so.
Intellectually, I knew the question was meant simply as an inquiry; something she was curious about, a way to be helpful to us.
Emotionally, I almost blew a gasket.
It activated every unspoken fear I harbor about myself as a mom. I have accepted that my tiara slipped off my head and shattered, and maybe I'm not (always) the World’s Best Mom. Now I find out my son’s behaviors are statistically significant. (and NOT in a good way).
Yes, she got me where I, apparently, still live.
In that moment, all my fears about the kind of mother I am (that I thought I had outgrown and therefore had neatly folded and packed in boxes for a Goodwill pick-up) hit me like a bullet train. In the next breath, my fears, overjoyed at their seismic re-awakening, took control of the train and set my sights on her.
I felt justified.
I know this train very well. I embodied that train for most of my life, and without a conscious engineer, it was recklessly out of control: speeding from station to station and running over anything or anyone that happened to be on the tracks. After all, they were in my way.
I felt justified.
There were many casualties along the way: family, friends, innocent strangers, even myself. Honestly anyone who inadvertently roused any one of my many buried insecurities, fears, or doubts, with a look, a word, a challenge to my way of thinking, a question I didn’t like or even a simple, innocent inquiry was run over without a single warning whistle.
And I felt justified.
After a lifetime of looking for the brakes, I stopped that runaway train for the first time about 2 months ago. It took five days and absolutely every ounce of inner strength I had NOT to feel justified, and NOT to push the throttle full steam ahead and destroy the messenger instead of looking within.
This time, in less than a day, I recognized this moment was all about what was still lying dormant in me. It had nothing to do with my friend. She was trying to help. As a matter of fact, she did me a favor by offering me an opportunity to grow and expand into a larger consciousness and a better understanding of myself. So I grabbed it.
And that train?
Never even left the station.
Now THAT’S what I call statistically significant.
(Thank you, my friend for supporting me to post this.)
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